Halfway

Matthew 20:26-28 “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you  must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave — just as the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve - and to give His life as a random for many.” 

Not going to lie, when I first read this verse all I could think about was how I have heard it a million times and I’m not exactly sure how to get anything more out of it then what I already know. Yes the first shall be last and if I want to be great I have to serve, just as Jesus did. But if I know these things, why am I not living them out? I try to serve others, but what is so engrained in my mind is the idea of “serving myself first” — i justify it by telling myself, “How could I possibly serve others without first making sure I am in a good place.” Because to be honest, I am not bad at serving others if I am in a pleasant mood or if life is going well for myself, but when the days come where I am either tired, or going through a trial (whether big or small) my mindset of servanthood is shut off like a switch. That is what this verse is seriously challenging me with and I am not quite sure how to fix this. The solution I believe is to die to myself - die to moodiness, die to selfishness. This may sound like a cop out answer but i know I need to pray about it more and spend a lot of time in the word in the mornings in order to help make this better.